He wants something sexual, but I feel uneasy, especially around past sexual abuse.

francisca_Verdades asks:

I'm 14, and my boyfriend wants me to give him dry sex, I am very uneasy about this because I've been sexually abused before, what should I tell him?

Heather Corinna replies:

I think you just said two things you could tell him right there.

"I am very uneasy about this," or "I am very uneasy about this because I have been sexually abused." Whichever you feel most comfortable with, both of those things are fine things to say, things I think we should be able to say with anyone we're very intimate with or thinking about being very intimate with.

You can follow them up with what your uneasiness means for you in terms of your answer. Do you want to decline his invitation to engaging in dry sex? If so, then you say you feel uneasy, and follow that up with saying no, you don't want to do that now. You don't have to explain any more than that if you don't want to or don't feel comfortable explaining more. That right there - or heck, just "No," all by itself -- should always be enough for anyone who actually cares about you and respects you to just accept and know that's how it is, just like if you invited someone to come to a party you were having and they said no. If we extend an invitation to someone for something, whether it's having sex or going out for coffee, we always need to know they may decline that invitation, and if and when they do, we always need to be okay with that and accept it.

Or, maybe you do want to explore this kind of sex with him, but need certain things to feel safe and good about it, like more time dating and getting to know one another, more time to build communication skills and trust, a certain kind of commitment, or time with him or even just with yourself to feel comfortable enough telling him about the abuse you survived. If it's like that, and you don't want to outrightly say no, but need things you don't have now or yet to say yes, then you can tell him what those things are that you need first. If getting to those things is going to take some time, he should respect that and allow you that time without pressure.

One thing you might need is for sex of any kind with him, be it dry sex or something else, to be about something you both really, really want to do and share, rather than something he wants you to "give" him for him.

Catch the big difference there? Sex with a partner that's really about more than one person isn't about giving someone something: it's about doing, sharing and co-creating something together, where, if you want to stick with the idea of give/get, both people are giving and both people are getting. It's also ideally about both people wanting something as much for themselves as for the other person, not about one person wanting something that is only or mostly for themselves and one person not really wanting something at all who just does that thing to give the other person what they want.

We've got a word for sex that's only or mostly about one person: masturbation. If and when someone (including you!) wants sex that's really just for them and only or mostly about what they want, that's not the right time and space to have sex with someone else. That's the time and space to have sex alone, with our own two hands (or whatever else we want to that isn't another being). Then sex gets to be all about us and only for us, no problem. One really good earmark of someone's maturity around sex and sexual relationships is when they are able to recognize when what they want is masturbation -- sex only for themselves -- and when it's sex with a partner -- where everything needs to be about everyone involved very mutually, not just or mostly themselves.

I also want to let you know, just in case you don't, that even if you hadn't been sexually abused in the past, and either felt uneasy for others reasons, or didn't feel uneasy at all, but just were not interested in this, it'd be okay to say no.

Just because someone wants something sexual doesn't ever, ever mean someone else is obligated to give it to them, even if and when two people are in a relationship together that already has included and does include sex. A sexual or romantic relationship isn't about anyone agreeing to always do sexual things with someone. Rather, when sex is part of our relationship, or we agree to be in a sexual relationship, all that means is that sex CAN be part of that relationship, at whatever times it -- whatever kind of sex we're talking about -- is what both people want, feel ready for and feel good about.

People don't always feel hungry at the same time or want to eat at the same times. That's okay: people can eat together when they both want to at the same time, and eat separately when they don't. Sometimes one person wants to see a movie, but the other person isn't in the mood at all, so they don't want to go. That's okay: one person can see a movie while the other person stays home.In some partnerships, one person can want to have kids at a given time when another doesn't. That's okay. People can wait until that's what they both want, and if they never want the same things, part ways and seek out others who DO want the same things. Just like with those things, the same goes with sex. Sure, sometimes we might make some compromises, like if one person really, really wants to do something, and the other only kind of does, but feels okay giving it a go to see if it's something they enjoy. But we need to always make sure that the compromises we're making involve a reasonable amount of give on both sides, and don't involve compromising ourselves or the things we know we really want or need to be and feel safe and okay and whole.

Whether people have survived abuse or not, these things are important in healthy sexual relationships or other sexual interactions. If your boyfriend hasn't been sexually abused, I'm betting there are some things he might feel uneasy about or not want to do sexually a partner might want himself. Just because someone hasn't been abused doesn't mean they'll feel comfortable with anything and everything sexual, or that they will always be in the mood to do something sexual when a partner is. I'm betting it's also important to him that with anything sexual, it's about him and what he wants, not just about what you do. I'm betting that he wants to feel he has the room and the right to say no to things and have you respect that. These are things everyone should have and that people need to have for sex to be most likely to be positive and beneficial, rather than negative or harmful.

However, it's pretty common for survivors of sexual abuse or assault to need some real time and support in healing from assault, and to make sure that we're only in relationships and situations that are sound for us in the place we're at with that healing, and as survivors. For instance, while we certainly don't always have to tell someone we survived assault if we don't want to, when we're brand new to consensual sex or new to asserting ourselves sexually, it's usually a good idea to be sure any partners we're with are people who have the maturity to understand that we can need some extra things other people might not, and who truly have the capacity to be open to those things or provide them. For example, getting triggered -- being reminded in some way of abuse or assault and then having a reaction to those memories or feelings -- is something that can happen when you get sexual as a survivor. When that happens, you might need some extra care, and your partner will sometimes need to be able to not only stop sex very quickly, but switch from being in a sexual headspace to one that's about caring for you in other ways in that moment. They'll need the maturity and self-esteem to not take that personally or freak out. Not every partner is going to have those things, especially during stages of life when people can be pretty centered in their own headspace and find it challenging to really understand, feel and work with someone else's.

As well, it can be super-extra important for survivors to avoid anyone who we feel in any way obligated to be sexual with. That can really stand in the way of our overall healing, and in constructing a sexuality and sex life that's healthy. One of the things sexual abuse can sometimes leave us wit is a feeling that our sexual value to others is our only value or that our sexuality or bodies don't totally belong to us. Over time, and with help, we can usually get through those feelings and know they're not true, but when abuse was recent or we haven't gotten far in healing, it's often harder not to believe those kinds of things. So, we're usually really not helped by any people, relationships or dynamics that make those things seem more true rather than less true.

Again, it's not like those things aren't important with everyone, not just survivors. They are important for everyone. But for people who have been harmed sexually, and who are working on healing, dynamics like that can potentially make some extra hardships or hurt for us when we're already working so hard to recover from hardships or hurt we have already been through. They can also can hold us back in our process of healing and make it all take longer or be more challenging, which is the last thing anyone wants or needs. healing takes long enough and is often challenging enough as it is.

So, I'd just check in with yourself right now about a couple things. The first thing to think about is if you feel ready to have any kind of sexual relationship at all yet and if that's something you really want now or any time soon.

There's no right answer to that, just what you feel you want and need and feel is best for you. If that's not something you want or not something you feel ready for, your best bet is to try not to put yourself in the position where someone thinks sex is what you want or has any expectation of sex. No one needs that kind of pressure, after all, and it's usually best for both people who want and need very different things to just opt out right at the start rather than to enter into a relationship where they're probably just going to make each other miserable struggling around such a big difference.

If you want to still date and have romantic relationships, you can still have those, you just want to be clear to people you're dating that for right now, that doesn't include any kind of sex with you. You, like everyone else, get to have these limits and boundaries if you need them, just like you, like everyone else, get to have limits and boundaries if and when you do choose to be in a sexual relationship.

When you put your limits out there clearly from the start (or at the point when it seems like you and someone else might be thinking about or considering some kind of sex), the people who do want that can seek out someone else who does, and you can avoid being in the position to have to feel at all pressured or obligated to do anything you don't want to or that doesn't feel right for you. Being assertive and straightforward like that also can help you identify people to date who are good choices for you right now: people who are just fine with that, or who even don't want to get involved with sex right now for their own reasons. That's good for your healing process, but it also makes dating a lot more fun. Knowing you're pretty much on the same page with that other person can make it much easier to feel relaxed and safe and to enjoy dating, rather than having it be something that stresses you out or makes you feel crummy.

If you are going to choose to get involved in a relationship that is sexual in any way, or that you think you might choose to make sexual at some point, then the next thing to just evaluate is who you're with, and if they seem to you like the kind of person you feel you can feel safe and be safe with at this stage in your life.

For instance, when we feel safe, even if we're still working on our assertiveness or self-esteem, we should feel pretty able to just say no to things we don't want without worrying the other person won't respect that or will react badly. We should also feel like we're not obligated to be sexual with that person and feel sure they don't think we are, either. We should -- and once more, this is ideal for everyone, anyway, not just abuse survivors -- be sure anyone we are with sexually, or think we might get sexual with is someone who understands how important it is for sex to be about something that's really mutual, just as much about what we want as it is about what they want.

So, even in terms of dating this person right now, I'd take some time to think about all of that, and consider what you think this person's capabilities and abilities are in this respect. If you're iffy about any of these things, they are certainly things you can talk about together, and things you can talk about without disclosing your abuse, too, if you don't feel ready for that yet. It's also always okay to kind of back things up in a relationship: if you feel like, for example, his asking for this kind or other kinds of sex has happened too fast or too soon, you can always ask to slow everything down to the kind of pace that you feel comfortable with.

I don't know if you've ever had any counseling around your abuse, but if you haven't, I encourage you to seek it out. There are lots of things good counseling can help us with when surviving and healing from abuse, and that includes helping us to learn skills and tools to navigate sexual and other intimate relationships. If you had a hard time with the things I asked you to think about up there, that's something else a counselor could help you think about and make decisions with. If you haven't had any professional help in healing like that, and you're interested, you can always drop a line to us here and we can help you find that for yourself.

One last thing? While we're not always going to feel comfortable disclosing previous sexual abuse with people just because it is something we're usually very vulnerable around, and often want to keep private from people we don't know we can trust, I hope you know that having been abused is nothing for you to feel ashamed about, or keep to yourself out of the idea that it's something shameful about you. It's not. You didn't do anything to anyone: someone else chose to hurt you.

A lot of us in the world have been hurt or harmed in some way. That doesn't make us anything but human, and vulnerable to harm and hurt like all human beings can be. It doesn't mean we're broken, or damaged goods or sullied or any of the other negative things we can feel like we are, partly because abuse can make us feel that way for a while, and partly because some people who are ignorant about trauma and abuse say things like that (often not realizing they're acting or sounding a whole lot like the people who abused us).

So, I hope that if you feel uneasy with any kind of sex, or sex with this person because of your abuse, it's about where you're at in your healing process or with still developing trust in this relationship, but NOT about any feelings or ideas that being abused means that, when it's the right time and situation for you, you can't be sexual in the ways that you truly want to be just like everyone else. Because you can. The main trick to that is just making your healing and other self-care a priority, and making yourself as a person whose own sexual wants and boundaries matter a priority. That absolutely includes nixing anything you don't feel very, very good about doing sexually, not just for or with someone else, but for and with yourself.

Here are a few more links that might give you some extra help:

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Posted on 4:44 AM / 0 comments / Read More

I worry that because I'm a man, I am going to sexually abuse someone.

aplanacanalpanama asks:

My mom was a victim of incest as a girl and has used it to invalidate my emotions. I blame the incest, not my mom, but it still hurts. But I can't help but feel like I, as a man, am dirty to be sexual. I can't draw a line in my head between good sex and bad sex. I am a virgin because when I get close to sex, the girl will start reminding me of my mom or my sister. I'm afraid if I don't lose my virginity soon I will develop a sexual frustration that will eventually cause me to hurt someone. I know that I'm just a troubled, caring guy. But I can't help but hate myself sexually. I don't know what to do.

Heather Corinna replies:

I'm so sorry that this is how you have been feeling about yourself, and that you're hurting so badly and feeling so fearful of yourself. I'm beyond sorry to hear that you hate yourself. Those are all terrible, debilitating ways for someone to feel. But I'm very glad that you've asked me for help, because you deserve to feel so much better than this, and I think I can help give you some first steps to create that change.

I hear you being worried about hurting others, but what I'm concerned about is how you're hurting and how you have been hurt. My hope is I can make some kind of small dent today that helps you get started in healing those wounds, and turning your negative feelings about yourself around so you can grow to feel positively about your gender, your sexuality and the rest of who you are as a person.

I want to start by pointing some facts you can see in black and white. I want you to know, before you read them, that I do a lot of work advocating for and supporting victims of sexual abuse and assault and am also a survivor of abuses and assault myself. So, I can very much assure you that the last thing I am is lenient with anyone who has abused or who I have any indication intends to abuse someone or expresses anything that makes it seem like they will choose to do that to anyone. I also do not ever downplay or whitewash abuse or the things I know enable or cause abuse, and the very last thing I would ever want to do is to enable or support anyone in abusing or anything that, on the whole, could or does enables abuse. I hope knowing that about me will give you some extra confidence in everything I'm about to tell you.

Perpetrating incest or other kinds of sexual abuse or assault is not about being male. Most men, just like most other people, do not ever perpetrate incest, rape and other kinds of sexual assault and abuse.

To be sure that's crystal, most men are not sexually abusive and will not be sexually abusive, and that is fact, not wishful thinking or denial. So, if we wanted to generalize around men and sexual violence, the only thing we could say based on facts is that being male, all by itself, is clearly not a cause of abuse. If it was, most men would perpetrate abuse. Most men do not.

I know that there are some people out there who believe that being male, all by itself, is why men who do abuse people do or even why abuse happens, no matter who does it or who it happens to. However, I in no way believe that to be true, and everything of any merit I have ever read and studied about this topic supports my belief that is in no way true, even though I understand that it feels true to some people. (However, we know that isn't true for even your mother, because here you are, male and someone male she has encountered who has not been abusive to her or anyone else, save potentially to yourself.)

Something else to know is that incest and other kinds of sexual abuse are not only perpetrated by men, but by people of all genders; the victims of those kinds of abuses are not only women, either. With childhood sexual abuse especially, boys are and can be victimized just as girls are. We even know that boys tell others about abuse less often than girls, and that abuse is recognized less often when victims are boys. The ways masculinity and sexuality get conceptualized in a lot of cultures often isn't always very good at recognizing when boys are being abused. Some people or cultures have dangerous and dysfunctional attitudes about sexual abuse involving boys or men, especially when and if the perpetrators of that abuse are women, framing some kinds of abuse as non-traumatic just because of gender, or worse still, as something boys or men were "lucky" to have happen to them, because boys and men are -- according to people thinking about this in utterly messed-up ways -- supposed to always want and enjoy all kinds of sex, even when sexual activity is not consensual or is otherwise injurous or harmful to them.

By all means, it is true that more men than women, so far as we know, perpetrate sexual abuses and assault. But there are some important caveats about that. Just like some people have the idea men and their sexuality or sexual behavior are innately harmful or powerful, some people feel that women and their sexuality or sexual behavior are innately harmless or powerless. Neither of these things are true. Some kinds of sexual abuses are also less often recognized by people as abuse, like sexual assault that doesn't involve entering a part of the body (such as a perpetrator forcing a victim to masturbate or otherwise touch themselves), sexual assault or abuse that's hidden under the guise of something else (like administering medications or punishments in a way that are sexually abusive, but are presented or seen as being about caretaking), sexual shaming and other kinds of verbal sexual harassment all of which can be more prevalent when an abuser is a woman.

I don't know any of the details about how you grew up beyond the feelings you're left with, but it seems possible you yourself may have even been a victim of some of these kinds of abuses from your mother, like sexual shaming or other verbal sexual abuse.

People who abuse or assault other people do not do so because of what genitals or chromosomes they have. People who abuse or assault other people usually actively and knowingly choose to do that (with some exceptions for people with earnest impulse control disorders, though those are the exceptions, not the rules). What causes people to abuse varies, but for the vast majority of people who abuse, based on real study about abuse, those causes are not about the way anyone was born, including what sex they are. As well, sexual abuse isn't just about an abuser's sexuality. Sometimes it isn't at all, but even when it is, that's only part of a much bigger whole of abuse dynamics and motives.

By all means, sometimes personal or cultural ideas about gender, including ideas about masculinity and femininity, can and often do play a part in why many people abuse. But ideas about masculinity are not the same as being male, and not all men have the same ideas about or sense of masculinity. Many men, for instance, do not believe that because they are men, women or children should be subservient to them or beneath them, that the penis is some kind of weapon, that sex is for asserting power or that smacking people around is okay just because some men (or women) do, even when they encounter other men or aspects of culture that insist those things are so. Many, many men already have or figure out how to have a masculinity that does not involve harming anyone. And just like being male can't make anyone abuse anyone else, neither can ideas of masculinity, even when they are a scary, hot mess. Again, for the vast, vast majority of people who perpetrate abuse, it is something they knowingly choose to do, not something their chromosomes or genitals force them to do against their will or outside their control.

Let's give some space to the idea that your sexuality is "dirty" because of your gender. The idea that sex or sexuality are dirty is just something I just don't cotton to. They can sure be messy sometimes, physically and emotionally, and can also call up or give us access to some of the deeper, more intense and even darker parts of ourselves or others which aren't all full of rainbows and sunshine. But we can say the same thing about a lot of things in life. Creative work, for instance, like making art or music, can be and do all of those same things. Really loving someone can be awfully messy, too, and can also open up parts of ourselves or other people which aren't shiny and happy. And just like we can do so with love or creative work, even when that's the case, we can still express those feelings or aspects in ways that are healthy and don't do anyone or ourselves harm. Just like with love, sexuality has the capacity to be healthy, rich, beneficial, safe, caring and positively powerful and empowering. Personally, I believe it has more than just that capacity: my belief is that's its essential, truest nature.

I'd like to talk a little bit about your mother now. When people have been abused in any way and don't get help with healing, especially with something like childhood sexual abuse, it can do a real number on them, as you unfortunately know too well. Your mother was traumatized, and, as happens all too often, that trauma didn't stop with her, either. Her trauma, and the way she has dealt with it, have also traumatized you.

I don't have any idea about what your mothers' upbringing was like, what her resources and community have been, so I don't want to be too hard on her here, especially since being a victim of childhood sexual abuse is often incredibly hard, especially if she didn't get any help in getting away from it (and whoever was doing it to her), if she didn't feel able to tell anyone or wasn't believed when she did, or if she didn't get any good help and support, ideally very soon after it happened to her, so she could get safe and start to heal.

No victim is ever responsible for being abused. That responsibility lies 100% with whoever chose to abuse them. You're absolutely right not to hold your mother responsible in any way for what she suffered when she was victimized, nor for the pain she experienced as a result. But there is something that any of us who have been traumatized or victimized are responsible for: that's our own healing. We didn't do what we need to heal from, and it sucks that we have to be the ones to do the work to repair something we ourselves didn't break, but that's the way it goes. It's not a victim's fault that healing needs to be done, but it is a victim's responsibility to try to heal, though it's hopefully not something we had or have to do without help and support. It's also our responsibility to care for ourselves and anyone else we agree to care for, and to work out how to do that in healthy ways, even when we've survived trauma and may have challenges in doing that well as a result. Having been sexually abused or assaulted does not absolve anyone of the responsibility to treat other people with care, respect, love and kindness, especially if and when we put ourselves in the position where we have agreed to provide that care. Having been sexually abused or assaulted also does not excuse any victim if and when they have done someone else harm.

You don't have to blame your mother for anything. I don't think this is even about blame. But you do get to hold her responsible for the ways she has hurt you, just like she gets to hold the person who traumatized her responsible. Your mother didn't choose to be abused, but, assuming she was not forced into pregnancy, birth or parenting, she chose to be your parent. In choosing or accepting that responsibility, she agreed to provide you with an environment, including herself as a major part of that, in which you were safe and cared for. The onus was and is on her, as it is with every parent (even if few actually do it), to take real stock of themselves, identify anything they need to work through or learn to deal with that might do their child harm, and then do that work and keep doing that work, ideally before, but most certainly during, parenting.

You aren't blaming her as a victim by holding her responsible for those things and any other ways she may have failed you or done you harm with her parenting.

I want to also make sure you know that not only is your Mom not responsible for her abuse, neither are you. The fact that you may share a set of genitals or even some of the genetics of the person who abused her does not change that in the slightest: you have absolutely nothing to do with your mother being victimized. Save for the ways she has chosen to make it about you, it is not, in reality, in any way about you. You did not do this to her or anyone else. It's clear you grew up with some messages that might have made you feel otherwise, but I hope in time you can really feel and know what I'm saying here.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "good sex" and bad sex." Do you mean you can't figure out what healthy expressions of sexuality might be, and what might be sexual abuse? If so, I can leave you a few links that should help you get a start sorting that out for that:

I am not worried that if you do not have a sexual partner soon you will do someone harm. By all means, if you truly feel, now or ever, you may be a harm to yourself or anyone else, I encourage you to ask for in-person help, since those are obviously things you want to avoid. I don't mean to deny or invalidate your own feelings about this, but at the same time, you've made pretty clear here that there's sound reason for you to strongly suspect those feelings are probably more about someone else's life (you mother's) and about someone else (the person who abused her) than they are about your life and about you.

You know, the smartest person in the whole world could grow up with someone telling them or otherwise giving them the constant message that they are stupid and think -- despite every evidence to the contrary, despite even an IQ test that shows them to be the most genius of all geniuses -- that they're stupid. Someone who grows up with the strong message that they are the "bad" child could do everything right a person can do right and still think they're a terrible person. And someone like you could be reared with the message that, because of your gender, your sexuality will automatically be unhealthy and abusive and believe that completely, based on that messaging alone.

I strongly suspect your fears about being abusive are probably mostly based on these messages you got, messages I believe have their only basis in your mother's trauma and none in the truth of who you are, someone who had nothing whatsoever to do with her abuse. Even if your mother didn't intend to lie to you, and she probably did not, I need you to know that you have been lied to. There is nothing bad about you because you are a man, and nothing bad about you because you have a sexuality and sexual desires. You expressed something you know about yourself in your letter, that you are a caring person.I'd suggest you put the most stock in the positive truths you know about yourself like that one, and work on throwing away what anyone, be it your mother or anyone else, is projecting unto you that is about someone else, not about you.

I don't know of any data that supports the idea that without engaging in sex you will assault or abuse someone. Based on all the study that I've seen about sexuality and about sexual abuse, there's nothing that supports people feeling compelled to abuse because they feel sexually frustrated or because they aren't having sex they want. For sure, that can make some people feel lonely, annoyed, angry, sad or bitter, but it's a big leap to suggest or think that those feelings will automatically lead to sexually abusing. Our sexuality and sexual desires aren't a ticking bomb, where if we don't hurry and do something to stop the clock from ticking, they'll explode and blow us or anyone else up. People have sexual desires all the time that they can't or don't express the way they want to, when they want to, or every time they want to. While that can certainly be a bummer, that experience is not known to result in healthy people doing other people harm. And people who choose to sexually abuse other people are not usually people with the kind of awareness you have about sexual abuse and with the clear concern you have about not doing anyone harm.

I'm most concerned about you getting hurt in sexual interactions right now, not about you hurting someone else. Sex with others is often a place where we're really vulnerable and very open, and with the way you're thinking about and feeling afraid of yourself and your sexuality to date, I think the most likely person to get hurt in a sexual exchange is you. That's a big window to leave open, after all, when you've got such delicate, fragile things inside right now. Something else that makes me concerned is that when we feel like crap about ourselves, we're much less likely to choose healthy people to be sexual with, and much more vulnerable to abuse, sexual or otherwise. I see you only imagining yourself as a potential abuser or harm, but what I'm seeing is someone who could be very vulnerable to abuse or being harmed.

I think that without getting help in healing for yourself, you're likely to have a really hard time with sexual relationships right now, and not likely to feel or be very safe or comfortable in them. For that reason, I'd suggest putting dating and sex with others on the back-burner for now until you can make some good progress turning these feelings about yourself and your sexuality around and feel confident in your ability to be a sexual partner who you know is safe for others as well as for yourself. Feeling terrified about doing someone harm and only being reminded of the actual or possible abuse of your family members does not sound, at all, like the kind of headspace that supports healthy, sexual relationships or interactions that feel really good to you, physically and emotionally. If you feel frustrated sexually -- something we all can feel, including when we have partners and even when we're having sex with them -- and like you want to express your sexuality in a way you can feel safe about, I'd suggest sticking with masturbation alone for a while longer, until you feel much better about yourself and sexuality than you do right now. Masturbation usually takes care of much of the physical aspect of our sexual desires very well, and can be a positive way to affirm sexuality as something safe and good, and while I understand you likely also have some emotional desires involving sex with partners, too, I think even with the opportunity, those aren't likely to be met until you get some healing.

I strongly suggest you seek out a qualified counselor or therapist to help you get started with all of this stuff, and to take a big step in really taking care of yourself with someone who knows and will constantly reaffirm that you are a person who deserves to be taken care of, who is a good person and who is someone worthy of trust and a sexuality and sense of self they feel good about. It sounds like you've lived with this for the whole of your life: that's a lot of emotional injury to undo, and that kind of healing takes time and some really good help.

In counseling, if you still have concerns about harming anyone, you can voice those and your counselor or therapist can help you to assess that reality. If it does seem viable to them, they help you to be sure you and others stay safe. If they feel the way I do, and I suspect they will, they can give you a lot of help and tools to use so that over time, you can let go of that fear and feel more free to live your life and get close to people in the ways you want to, including sexually. That person can also help you develop a better sense, if you need that help, of what's healthy and sound in sexual choices and actions and what is not, both on your end and from sexual partners.

No one page like this could possibly undo the damage that's been done to you and turn all of this around today. I can't tell you how much I wish that it could, and how much I wish I had the power to magic all of these scary and negative feelings away for you right this very second. I am heartbroken to hear you, or anyone, feeling like you are and have been. You deserve a much, much better life and sense of self than this.

I hope that this at least can help you get started on a path to the good stuff, though. If you want some help finding someone in-person who can help you take it from here, I'd be glad to help you with that. You can start by looking at this database of services we have here, and if you can't find anyone that way, just let me know and I'd be glad to help you out. I'd also be happy to suggest some books I think might help you out, both about healing and finding a masculinity that feels comfortable to you, and about sexuality in general. I have a young adult sexuality guide I penned myself that I offer free copies of, when I can, to people who really need it and can't afford it or find it in their area, even at the library. If you think something like that would be helpful and are not in the position to buy or otherwise access it yourself, if you drop me an email with a postal address, I'd be delighted to donate a copy to you.

Want something you can get started on right now, today, besides starting to look into counseling? One thing you can do that's very easy and can be very powerful is just to come up with a short, positive affirmation you can say to yourself in moments where you're feeling like this, or even put on a sticky-note in places you go to and see each day, like your bathroom mirror. Maybe something like, "I'm a good man, a good person and my sexuality is a good thing that can do good," or "I can and do care for myself and others, and my gender and sexuality can help me to do that, not keep me from doing that," or "Men can be safe. Sexuality can be safe. I can be and feel safe for myself and for others," or something else that gives you a positive, powerful and supportive message about your gender, your sexuality and your without-a-question capacity to be the caring, kind person I have absolutely no doubt that you are.

(P.S. If you want to get your Mom some help, or at least give her some resources she can use to seek it out herself, I can help with that, too. You're my concern right now, not her, but if she's never had any help at all in healing, I'm also concerned about her. You might find that it feels positive for you to help her get the help she obviously has needed for a long time. It's okay if that's not something you want to do or try and help with, though, and I could certainly understand if that feels way too loaded given the ways she's hurt you. Even if you do want to do that, I'd encourage you to put most of your energy into taking care of yourself. I think it's high time for you, who you are and how you're hurting to come first.)

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Oommen Chandy to inaugurate International Drug Abuse Day seminar

Kochi, Jun 25 : Kerala Chief Minister Oommen Chandy would inaugurate International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking seminar here tomorrow.

Malayalam actor Padma Shri Mammooty would also give anti-drug pledge and message in the seminar.

Union Minister of State for Agriculture K V Thomas, Kerala Public Works Minister V K Ibrahim Kunju, Food and Civil Supplies Minister T M Jacob and Mayor Tony Chammani would also participate in the seminar.

It was United Nation?s General Assembly?s decision on their meeting on December 7, 1987, to observe International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking on June 26 across the world.

--UNI

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